Damn vs. Wow Paradox – A Treatise

OK, so this is my first time in a long time.  Posting, I mean.  Anyway, I had a discussion with a girl today (I know, weird!) and, in an incredibly round-about way, the subject came up as to whether or not I found her attractive.  Of course, I told her yes (because it’s both true and stupid to say anything different).  She, however, didn’t believe me, and proceeded to tell me how nobody had ever called her “hot” and had pecifically said she was “not hot,” and has since felt less attractive because the (idiot) she asked was unable to explain how she could still be attractive but not hot.  I guffawed while trying to think of how to explain what was (probably) meant.

This is where the treatsie begins.  I will attempt to elaborate on this phenomena which, for lack of a better vocabulary, will henceforth dub the “Damn v. Wow Paradox.”  And it may not even be a paradox, but adding that to the end always makes it sound cooler.   I believe that I have found a way to show women the difference (though I’m sure they have their own distinctions that aren’t so verbally worded) and, while I may be seeming to make no point, this will lead to your enlightenment, ladies.

So, you all probably know I work at Billings Hardware.  I’m going to let you in on a secret that partially makes it so awesomee to work there.  Now, we’re a local hardware store, and primarily, we attract an older clientelle.  This clientelle does not normally include attractive women under the age of 30.  So when one does appear, it is a sight to behold lest we have to wait forr the next to show up months later if at all.  In the dark times, this system was not – some saw the “hotties” ssome didn’t, and everone was upset.  Then came Jade.  He figured out the perfect way to allow for everyone to know that there was a “hottie” on the premises and where efficiently and discreeetly.  Using the loadeer radios, if you see aforementioned “hottie” you simply call out “5514 in paint” which would alphabetically be “fifty-five fourteen in paint.”  Where Jade came up with this magic number, nobody knows, but it has served us well over the years.

But what is the point?  Well, simple; to elaborate.  So, for example, this:

storlls on into the store.  I would immediately grab my radio and stutter “F-f-f-f-f-fu-fuh-fifty five f-f-f-f-f-fuh-fuh-fourteen in paint!  Move, now NOW!”  because damn she is fine.  Guess what”  You just learned why my title.  A 5514 is simply aa girl that you HAVE to see and EVERYBODY can appreciate.  They look, go “Jesus… Damn, son!” and then go on their merry way.  I they seem them one more time, it’s not quite as awesome, but still, yay.

And now to explain the second part: “Wow.”  I can;t find a picture because of the very paradox that iss the “Wow” women.  Now, I will be blunt, but it is no way harmful.  “Wow” women are normal looking.  They wouldn’t be 5514’d because of how specific a “Wow” women is to each guy.  Everything henceforth is more or less the typical Wow women from the surveys I have collected.  They don’t knock guys off their feet or send them into cat calls just because of how they look.  And most attractive women are “Wow” women, and please, don’t throw the bottles at me yet, I’ve got great news.  Most guys prefer “Wow” women because this is the (or at least my) typical response to a “Wow” woman:

She walks by you at Albertson’s, or perhaps you walk into class and she’s already sitting there.  You see her and all you can say is “Wow.”  And then you look away, but only for a moment.  You can’t help but turn and look at her again.  And again.  And again.  You’ll go out of your way on campus just so you can keep looking at her, or pass by the spaghetti aisle four times just to catch a glimpse.  And all you can say is “Wow.”  Maybe you talk to her, see what a sparkling, intelligent, awesome personality she has compared to those hotties that the d-bags are chatting up.  And then you part ways, and you’re day goes on.  And yet you still can’t sstop thinking about her, even if it’s just a “Wow.”  And, if she’s really “Wow” she’s in your dreams, but (almost) never explicitly.  You see the two of you cuddled up under a warm, fuzzy Tiajuana blanket watching “The Notebook”; sitting in her car (because yours is so disgustingly dirty), talking and laughing; or simply looking at one another.  And then you wake up, trying to remember the dreams, and all you can say is “Wow.”

I may have made myself a bit of a stalker here, but trust me, if a guy is really worth your time – and I mean REALLY worth your time because he’s not an assshole – he’ll get EXACTLY what I’m trying to say.  And thus we reach the end of the “Damn vs. Wow Paradox.”

Any questions?

2 responses to “Damn vs. Wow Paradox – A Treatise

  1. You are a freaking genius. It was like… pure-utter philosophy that only men can understand. (A brief and more simple explanation to the confused might be: the “Damn” girl is the generic hot-girl that every man drools at– the “Wow” girl is much more personal and has to do with individual tastes. Therefore, the “Wow” girl has more significance to whoever she “wows”…)

    However, I also feel the need to mention that some “Wow” girls may also fall in the “Damn” girl category, but not all “Damn” girls can be “Wow” girls… (That made sense… right?)

    Oh, and Professor, when is your next lecture?

  2. Excellent comments, young William. When I told her what you said, though, it made no sense to her. I simply tried to get across that, typically, “Wow” is better than “Damn” because once you see “Damn” again, you begin to realize how they might look without all the make-up. And most definitely, though typically, I save “Damn” solely for “Damn” girls and have decided that, at least 75% of the time, “Wow” women become “Beautiful” which is a word I do not throw around lightly. Though, to fit with the theme, it’d be “. . .” to simulate stunned silence.

    And as soon as I find another topic to lecture about. That may take a while, and it probably won’t be this good, but still, whatev’s.

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