I’m a war of head versus heart and it’s always this way.

Where, oh where has my creativity gone?! It disappeared without so much a note explaining where it’s gone, or when it will be back, or What. The. Hell. I’m supposed to do without it.

Everything I do these days seems to be clouded in a haze of exhaustion/anxiety/guilt (usually about neglecting some sort of work due to the two previous emotions) and it is severely affecting my ability to openly and creatively stretch my mind.

And it’s really beginning to piss me off.

Case in point:

In AP English, our teacher has us writing college essays that are supposed to, in an original and creative way, some way that will cause the reader to take notice, express some sort of interesting or valuable trait within us. Um, creative writing, hello? This is totally my forte. But, instead of finding the task ridiculously easy and only bitching about it to have something to bitch about that others can relate to (which I actually find myself doing quite a bit. Don’t judge.) I actually found myself stuck. Completely.

It was like the creative, witty, funny part of my brain decided, “Okay! Time for a vacation! I’ll be back when I’m back, see ya later and have fun fending for yourself!” *evil snicker*.

So I end up turning in some horribly boring, tedious tripe that has nothing to do with anything going on in my life, and may as well have been written by my dog or my nine-year-old sister.

I’m wondering where my creativity has flown off to. Is it hiding due to the excessive (but manageable, thank God for the defense mechanism of repression) stress of impending college-stuff that is wracking my body/mind/soul currently? Or have I just grown up and gotten to the point of no return, the point where the mundane has invaded my soul and turned me into just another average person of the workforce, doomed to work at a boring job where The Man will work to harness my soul even further, pulling me past the point of mildly boring individual to the ninth circle of hell with the worker drones and the investment bankers?! GAH!!!!!!

I really hope not.

Switching gears now…

Following the whole love life trend that seems to be going on in the blog lately, I’m just going to put my two-cents in about my love situation, because it’s pathetic, and I think blogging about it may help me feel not so hopeless.

It’s that classic, practically-a-bad-80s-movie-meets-Disney-Channel-special situation in which the girl ends up falling for her best friend. Which, in reality, sucks a lot more than the movies seem to let on.

Think about it. Girl and boy spend loads of time together, because, hello, they’re of the best friend variety. They like many of the same things. They make each other laugh. They get along with the other’s family.

Girl ends up realizing that what she had first seen as a goofy, uncoordinated, charismatic friend has become one of the people in which she trusts most implicitly, and she begins to see him as a truly amazing individual, one that she could seriously see herself in a relationship with. They do say friends can make the best significant others, right?

The tricky part comes from the fact that this boy is one of her very best friends, and she doesn’t know what she’d do if that changed, meaning that she doesn’t want to risk destroying the friendship by pushing any sort of relationship. Worse yet, the boy keeps sending her awkward mixed signals (partially because the boy is an awkward individual who has trouble sharing his feelings), causing her to wonder if he’s possibly thinking the same thing, but not giving her enough of a clear signal to act.

She’s caught in a conundrum. She wants to act, yet she doesn’t. She wants to spend so much time with the boy because of how he makes her feel, but yet she doesn’t because it causes her feelings toward him to spiral out of control which in turn makes her hurt.

So she waits. And hopes. And waits some more.  And pretty soon she’ll go off to college and miss her chance, and it’s one big huge suckfest for everyone. Huzzah.

Blergity blerg.


That’s enough for tonight I suppose. I really should start posting pictures. But I don’t want to tonight.

Lyrics, yes?

“I’m a war of head versus heart/And it’s always this way/My head is weak, my heart always speaks/Before I know what it will say.” –“Crooked Teeth” by Death Cab for Cutie 🙂

Thanks for reading my ranting everyone. You guys rock.


Ashlynn 🙂

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