Daily Archives: November 12, 2010

Things you don’t normally hear in first period. (unless you’re me.) (also i’m sorry.)

  • “It’s oozing right now to protect itself from the damage i just caused it. it’ll crust over eventually.”
  • Student: “I didn’t know you have a daughter?”   “No, thank God… Nobody has to die.”
  • “It’s very interesting. Your nudity is protected until you’re 18 and your chastity only until you’re 16.”
  • “If you guys don’t get 10 right, I’ll cut off your pinky. No, I’m sorry. We’re not under Islamic law. That was prejudiced. Never mind.”
  • “If I could cane you guys right now, I would. Or taze you first, and then cane you.”
  • “Where do the 92 naturally occurring elements come from?” Student: “NATURE??”
  • “I should get my nails done. Look at that, it’s pathetic. Who’s a manicurist?”
  • me: “you said 7 was harder than we thought, causing us to overanalyze it, causing more than half of us to miss it. whose fault is it really?” “yeah, i dunno why i said that. i probably wasn’t referring to 7.” me: “OKAY??”
  • “so these guys, are for all intensive purposes happy. Everyone else is just depressed. and this area of the chart is shrinking in our country….”
  • “these guys are thieves, little electron thieves, and they’re very good at it too.”
  • “Imagine somebody very poor who gives away a lot of money. like Ghandi. or the Catholics. yeah, alkaline metals are catholics cuz ghandi should’ve reached nirvana and he’s just dead now.”
  • “The Airlines are biased toward big people.”
  • “Hey, if anyone’s 18, i’ll give you extra credit if you vote for obama!” us: “…”    “HAHA, Obama’s not running, people.”
  • “My mother’s a dirtbag.”
  • “I had a really cool dream the other night. I was eating a floppy disc sandwich with peanut butter. There was like 4 of them. I had to take two out so I didn’t have to take such a big bite. They were brittle too, since they’re from the 80’s.”
  • “silicon valley, California. what do they manufacture?” “…” “Come on, people, this is like the only thing America does well.” “Fake boobs?!” “*facepalm*”
  • *using a paring knife to carve a pumpkin* “gah, this is like marble…” “that’s what she said.”
  • “we just need some kind of pumpkin corkscrew…”
  • “I probably shouldn’t be drinking 4 diet sodas a day. 1 is probably fine. 1 glass of wine a day? perfectly acceptable. two bottles? not so much.”
  • “how do you jump start a car with a golf club?”
  • “you guys need to move together here, you’re so clingy. you’ll be much more comfortable, like octuplets in the mother’s womb.”
  • “we say we’re jealous of birds cuz they see better, chimps cuz they can rip a lady’s face off, but what do you we get? we’re supercoolers. Yeah… we sweat cuz we’re smart.”
  • “3, 4, 5, years ago when i was really into teaching, i pretended to be from hogwarts.”
  • “You don’t want your parents being happier than you are, cuz it’s your life.”
  • “if your parents look too happy, just mention beaches and they’ll cry in bed for the rest of the day.”
  • “if one of you guys finds that out, i’ll give you 1/16th of an extra credit point.” class in unison: “1/16th?!” “Yeah, of an extra credit point.” student: “I’ll do it.” “that’s right, good man.” Friend: “you’ve got a little.. uhh…” *motions to nose*
  • “I’m so estrogenated right now, i have to stand back cuz i can’t even, BLEHH!”
  • “it’s about the nerdliest thing you could ever do, but it’s pretty cool.”
  • “if i stomp on the floor, you can pick it up because of your inner fish.”
  • “you can see heat, if you close your eyes and put your hand in fire, you can see it.” me: “do you mean sense it possibly??” “see, sense, same thing. whatever.”

All of these are things i witness on a day to day basis. for less than 15 cents a day, you can help prevent facepalm. please call.

The Soul of A Cow: Insights of Political Science

Yesterday, my Introduction to Political Science class finished reading Plato’s Republic. A wonderful book with many different takes on the human condition, yet mostly about whether it is most profitable to be just or unjust.

So naturally, Plato goes into this whole long tangent about humanity, the types of governments, and the soul.


In the assumption the soul is real, our class discussed Plato’s own view

concerning animals. He says in the afterlife we are to choose our next life

(do note this is a Greek philosopher, so yeah–he doesn’t hold contemporary

views on this), with the option of a:

1. Tyrannical/Evil life (yes, think dictator)

2. Virtuous/Good life (think Mother Teresa)

3. Moderate/Normal/Middle of the Road life (Joe the Plummer. Ha.)

The first three are human lives. Now, we have animals and plants.

1. Any given animal, tamed or untamed

2. Any given plant

So now the question came up as: do DOGS HAVE SOULS?

(Our professor’s dog had passed away a few months ago, so he was hopeful)


Given that our class couldn’t even define a “soul”, we weren’t sure. I’m inclined to think animals do have souls.

Apparently though, Western culture seems to be in love with the idea of dogs, cats, and such to have souls, while cows and fish do not. Such makes it supposedly easy for us to eat the other animals, such as COWS. Yes, we talked about such.

Our professor then presented the myth of God and the Grand Canyon. Something like:

“God made a line down the middle of the canyon. Humanity was directed to one side (because they have souls) and animals to the other side (they have no souls). However at the last moment, the dog jumped to the other side.”



I don’t care though. How sad.

No one will take away my filet mignon.



The end.




The Interwebz and Catz – A Addicshun


I Can Has Cheezburger

Everybody has some sort of vice. For that guy, it’s alcohol; for that girl, it’s crack cocaine; for that priest, it’s molesting. Maybe you have to have a coffee in the morning or you “just can’t function” I dunno, what am I, your mother? Look, it’s just kind of a fact that everybody has some sort of addiction. Mine is lolcats.

The bastard that started it all.

Well, was may be more appropriate now. I’ve been clean for a long time now. Go ahead, laugh at me, just like Fluffy up there. You may think I jest, but alas, I do not. See, lolcats can be seriously addicting. And you don’t realize how in the hole you are until you hit rock bottom. Allow me to elaborate. Until graduation, I did not have a laptop – I do now, but that’s only slightly important in that it inspired me to kick the habit. Now please, cut me some slack because the numbers are no longer accessible and it has been some time since I brought it up (the pain and whatnot), but I drift. I had over 1000 individual lolcat images saved on my hard drive. If I remember right, it was right around 1200.

1000 Roubles ~ $32 > the amount of money Opie has. Therefore, I had more lolcats than Opie does money.

If I had screencaps, I would show you just to prove it irrefutably. And that was just cats – it started it all. If you will, locats are like pot in that they are gateway and you get the munchies while feeling that warm fuzzy feeling. Because then loldogs came, followed by lolbirds, lolsquirrells, I even had a select few lolbears and lolgoats. I saved every single one to my computer, to a gross total of two or three hundred. But then, things got bad. Really, really bad. See, I had been slowly saving various other non-animal related lolz I had seen as well, so I called them just that – lolz. At first there were few only a few of them, until I realized what they really are – just a special, non-specific subset of the infamous Demotivators.

You can find more on my Facebook. Seriously. PS, f**k your flying sharks.

Do realize that I have not even begun to tell what I was actually doing. I was intentionally hunting these out attempting to find the best of the best and the wworst of the best and the worst of the worst and all that other shit in between. For hours, I would sit at I Can Has Cheezburger, flip through the pages until I found the exact lolcat where I had left off, then I would go forward until I reached the end. I never added any until I found my starting point so that I wouldn’t have duplicates, and I will say with great confidence (and lots of shame) that I did not have a single duplicate. It was a terrible addiction, because once I was done at ICHC, I went to GoogleImages search. Which is where I found my brand new subset of lolz – Dirty Lolz.

The tamest thing I could find while still being true.

For the love of all that is good and pure in this world, never, EVER fall down that road. It is a terrifying road. Absolutely terrifying. I wasn’t even looking them up to… get my own rocks of… in that sense. It was the collectors syndrome – I don’t have THAT one, so I totally need it! Really, I got no pleasure out of them once I made them my job. But I got lucky in that I got a laptop and didn’t want to cram it full of shit, and now they are gone from my desktop. I got out. But you may not be so lucky. Avoid lolcats all together. It’s just not worth the risk kids. At least, don’t hunt them out. If one pops up when you’re surfing, laugh at it, enjoy it, and move on. Don’t categorize them, number them, make them your screensaver and have so many that you can watch it for over an hour and a half and not see the same picture twice (I SERIOUSLY DID THAT!). because next thing you know, you’re going to see yourself type “underboob demotivator” into GoogleImage Search and you will have hit rock bottom. Learn my lesson, kiddies. Learn my lesson and save your souls, your psyches, and your retinas.

It’s only fitting.