Things you don’t normally hear in first period. (unless you’re me.) (also i’m sorry.)

  • “It’s oozing right now to protect itself from the damage i just caused it. it’ll crust over eventually.”
  • Student: “I didn’t know you have a daughter?”   “No, thank God… Nobody has to die.”
  • “It’s very interesting. Your nudity is protected until you’re 18 and your chastity only until you’re 16.”
  • “If you guys don’t get 10 right, I’ll cut off your pinky. No, I’m sorry. We’re not under Islamic law. That was prejudiced. Never mind.”
  • “If I could cane you guys right now, I would. Or taze you first, and then cane you.”
  • “Where do the 92 naturally occurring elements come from?” Student: “NATURE??”
  • “I should get my nails done. Look at that, it’s pathetic. Who’s a manicurist?”
  • me: “you said 7 was harder than we thought, causing us to overanalyze it, causing more than half of us to miss it. whose fault is it really?” “yeah, i dunno why i said that. i probably wasn’t referring to 7.” me: “OKAY??”
  • “so these guys, are for all intensive purposes happy. Everyone else is just depressed. and this area of the chart is shrinking in our country….”
  • “these guys are thieves, little electron thieves, and they’re very good at it too.”
  • “Imagine somebody very poor who gives away a lot of money. like Ghandi. or the Catholics. yeah, alkaline metals are catholics cuz ghandi should’ve reached nirvana and he’s just dead now.”
  • “The Airlines are biased toward big people.”
  • “Hey, if anyone’s 18, i’ll give you extra credit if you vote for obama!” us: “…”    “HAHA, Obama’s not running, people.”
  • “My mother’s a dirtbag.”
  • “I had a really cool dream the other night. I was eating a floppy disc sandwich with peanut butter. There was like 4 of them. I had to take two out so I didn’t have to take such a big bite. They were brittle too, since they’re from the 80’s.”
  • “silicon valley, California. what do they manufacture?” “…” “Come on, people, this is like the only thing America does well.” “Fake boobs?!” “*facepalm*”
  • *using a paring knife to carve a pumpkin* “gah, this is like marble…” “that’s what she said.”
  • “we just need some kind of pumpkin corkscrew…”
  • “I probably shouldn’t be drinking 4 diet sodas a day. 1 is probably fine. 1 glass of wine a day? perfectly acceptable. two bottles? not so much.”
  • “how do you jump start a car with a golf club?”
  • “you guys need to move together here, you’re so clingy. you’ll be much more comfortable, like octuplets in the mother’s womb.”
  • “we say we’re jealous of birds cuz they see better, chimps cuz they can rip a lady’s face off, but what do you we get? we’re supercoolers. Yeah… we sweat cuz we’re smart.”
  • “3, 4, 5, years ago when i was really into teaching, i pretended to be from hogwarts.”
  • “You don’t want your parents being happier than you are, cuz it’s your life.”
  • “if your parents look too happy, just mention beaches and they’ll cry in bed for the rest of the day.”
  • “if one of you guys finds that out, i’ll give you 1/16th of an extra credit point.” class in unison: “1/16th?!” “Yeah, of an extra credit point.” student: “I’ll do it.” “that’s right, good man.” Friend: “you’ve got a little.. uhh…” *motions to nose*
  • “I’m so estrogenated right now, i have to stand back cuz i can’t even, BLEHH!”
  • “it’s about the nerdliest thing you could ever do, but it’s pretty cool.”
  • “if i stomp on the floor, you can pick it up because of your inner fish.”
  • “you can see heat, if you close your eyes and put your hand in fire, you can see it.” me: “do you mean sense it possibly??” “see, sense, same thing. whatever.”

All of these are things i witness on a day to day basis. for less than 15 cents a day, you can help prevent facepalm. please call.

3 responses to “Things you don’t normally hear in first period. (unless you’re me.) (also i’m sorry.)

  1. hahaha I miss Catron. Has he told you any of his amazing invention ideas?

  2. several. they’re interesting.

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