This past week for me at least has been a pretty big conglomeration of feelings.
Initially, the overwhelming feeling was the idea that this is the last holiday I will spend at home as a high schooler. Next year, I’ll be off somewhere, doing things I want to do, meeting new people, and learning new things.
Then the next feeling came. The next feeling was about how much I have. I am so lucky to have the people I call friends and family. And that was a very good feeling.
Then the next feeling. The fact that I’ve been let down a lot recently in the matters of the heart. I wish I could go on about that, but I have a feeling no one wants to read that. So, in short, it seems I’m just not worth the trouble of a relationship, only a fling.
Then another. Lonely. Lately at school I’ve been quiet and only go there to do my work and leave. I don’t like it there. And I can’t wait to graduate.
My other life outside of school is fine though. My friend Jessie has been gracing me with her presence consistently, and that makes me so happy. But it’d be nice to have a little something else too.
But the encompassing feeling is this: love. I am in love with my world, and everyone else’s. The fact we can all interact with words, gestures, and contact amazes me. I’m in love with all the unique traits we all hold and how that makes us all different. I’m in love with how we intertwine with shared interests, glances, or feelings. I love how a simple noise, scent, or touch can transport us all back to the good and the bad.
Right now I’m listening to Winter Song done by Ingrid Michaelson and Sara Bareilles. This song was an anthem for my last winter.
“Is love alive?”
And despite all the let downs, my irriations, or my desires left unfulfilled, I believe love is alive. It may sound cheesy or something more akin to what you would hear in a poorly done Hallmark movie, but I believe it is. Because I’m in love with everyone. No matter how much I may not like some of their traits, or attitudes, I know that they are human, and we will always share that common ground. In my opinion, that alone is pretty amazing.
So this is the new year, we’re moving on and claiming we will better ourselves.
For this year I only have one resolution. To love more, without fear of the damages. I need to look past my fears, and my self conscious manner and just enjoy everyone, even if that may be a challenge. And I hope you all do the same.
This song below, is the song that’s been the theme of my winter. My favorite part, “words are futile devices” is what I’ve been thinking about lately. Listen, love it, and love more. It’s a lovely song. And I can’t stop listening to it. It’s something that I’m going to bring into the New Year, musically, I think.
So many exciting things are approaching. And I am so scared.
“… if we wait for the moment when everything, absolutely everything is ready, we shall never begin.”- Ivan Turgenev.
I’m not ready for a lot of things. But I am so excited to begin.
With all the love I can muster,
Molly Elizabeth Brown